The Ravings of a Madman

8:52pm: Fuck it
Fuck friends,
Fuck family,
Fuck life,
Fuck everything,

I'm done trying, my life will be spent drinking and doing drugs, because nothing else is worth the effort.

9:10pm: I want evolution to completely reverse itself as soon as possible.

4:24am: I've drank more in the last couple of weeks than I have in my entire life

Whatever gets you through eh?

9:21pm: I am scum
About ten minutes ago I was driving back to my house after getting some petrol, I drove into my street slowly, as there was ice everywhere, I noticed two people one standing over the other, I couldn't decide whether they were messing around or being serious, I slowed down and watched the one standing up kick the person on the floor, and scream at them, I pulled into my drive and listened until the person left.

I listened to someone being beaten up, and didn't do a fucking thing to help, out of fear, I am everything I hate about people.

8:55am: 25 facts
I realised I haven't updated since last year, lets just summarise with, Boston was the greatest week of my life and being back in England sucks.

I'm bored and have no cigarettes, don't judge me. 25 random facts you may or may not know about me.

1. If I had the money and I could be bothered I would dress in only the finest suits 24/7.
2. There's a lot of things I can't be bothered to do, I'm not lazy, I just have very few priorities.
3. Sometimes I listen to music based entirely on where the bands are from, rather than a genre.
4. I think pretty much everything people are always talking about is pointless.
5. I would have been the king of Generation X but I was born 10 years too late.
6. I hate any and all bias, everyone should be equal, equally praised for doing right and equally scorned for doing wrong.
7. I'm sick of people focusing on the wrong issues.
8. I don't think anybody really knows who I am, including myself.
9. I don't really feel a need to prove anybody wrong, I guess because I already know they're wrong.
10. I'm probably the least arrogant person on Earth, I'm just very passionate about the truth.
11. If I had a time machine I'd go to the future, I already know what happened in the past.
12. Sometimes I'd love to be alone on an island so I could just be left in peace, after like a week I'd want to go back. Solitude gets old very quickly.
13. No matter what you do to me, it can be absolutely anything, if you're genuinely sorry I'll forgive you. I never ever forget though.
14. I love the fact that I could talk to most of my old school friends and still probably know their personality from school, but that I've changed so much it doesn't work the other way.
15. There's one thing that really annoys me more than anything, and that's not knowing.
16. I smoke weed, the pharmacist is selling hundreds of drugs more harmful, go complain at him.
17. I usually think I'm the greatest person on Earth or the worst, I never found a happy medium.
18. I really hate the terrorists, I'm not talking about the Taliban, I'm talking about British tabloid journalists, they spread more fear than any suicide bomber ever has.
19. The only thing I want to do in life is be a musician, not because I want to be famous and all that shit, I just want to create something beautiful and timeless that I can be proud of.
20. Home is such an alien concept to me, the only place I've ever really felt at home was 3000 miles away from here.
21. Every year for the past few years I've accomplished nothing, but learned so much.
22. I never let my friends down. I wish I could sometimes.
23. I also wish I could stop giving a shit sometimes, that too gets old.
24. Stand up for what's right, even though you stand alone, that phrase is such bullshit. Work is a waste of everyones time, I stand for doing something more with my life, ergo I am scum.
25. If I could have one wish, I'd probably wish it away.

8:27am: This is gonna be the most honest thing ever
I'm high as fuck right now and contemplating the entirety of my life, I realised there's a lot of stuff I just blocked out, flat out refused to accept and this seems strange. It's like there are these pieces of the old things in my life, the past influences, the past ways of thought, just clogged into my system, and I'm unable to remove them.

I was thinking about who I would have become had these pieces become reality, and I looked at the people in my life, they are now the benchmark for normality, and I look to the people in my life, the people I won't let myself count on, or let down, the weird and the wonderful collection of souls I've encountered, the ones that have pulled me through, despite my own wishes to give in. I thank God that I ended up in this fucking extravagant mess.

Sometimes sorrow isn't so bad, perhaps it's better to feel sad, and face the reality, rather than deny that sorrow exists, it's a part of life that needs to be embraced if we are to grow. I'm really glad I'm miserable right now, because tonight I can hang out with people just as fucked up as me and have a great time.

We're a select few, and we grow fewer by the day it seems, those kids who refuse to conform to the norms of society, the lone defenders of the punk rock dream. We stand united under a common banner of rejection, holding the fort of rebellion in the corporate lands we dwell. All of us has pressure to surrender the dream, but none do, and money won't sway you. Because what you have is worth more than money, you've got a connection that means more than any of that, and above all else you protect your brothers and sisters. It seems every day someone we once thought as like us, proves us wrong, the rebels of high school are all working parents, and the weird and wonderful are living mediocre lives, doing mediocre college work, hanging out with their mediocre love interests, watching mediocre tv and listening to mediocre music, it makes me sick.

Why does nobody strive for perfection anymore? Why as a society do we accept what we are given and stand by it loyally?

I noticed a great story, also makes a great motivational tool. The core belief of all religion, do good you go up, do bad you go down, isn't it funny how much this relates to the system of work. You obey the boss, you get promoted, you disobey the boss, you're on the dole. Peculiar that, almost as if they're trying to instill the divine rules of submission on you from birth.

I wish I hadn't been raised that way, I wish I could just break free, and it's not that I want to hate all religion and start attacking the faithful, I just wish I could think without that fucking cloud of thought they shoved in my brain.

It's weird how everything relates to something, and how it relates to different people, like how the end of all existence to me, meaning the suffering of billions, but to one person it means salvation for me, death for all, that's fine. People forget that we are a species, animals look out for each other, we are animals, but we do not look out for each other. Nobody in the street is gonna protect me from anything, and why not, are we not the same? Everybody is too obsessed with segregation and elitism, we need to get back to basics.

I was stuck behind an overturned car on the way to work, I had no idea what to do, I watched so many emergency vehicles flood to the scene, 2 fire engines, an ambulance or two, five police cars, it didn't look like anyone was hurt, but then you can't really see inside twisted metal. It was horrible, I felt a disturbing chill, like I was staring at the underbelly of all existence.

That's all I need sleep

5:05pm: Hello depression, my old friend...
Weird things are afoot, I feel like my life is simultaneously coming together and falling apart. I'm finding songs on my computer that I don't remember writing, the days have started blurring into one, I feel like the loneliest person in the world.

I know there are people there, I know that they care, but I don't think they could understand. I don't think anyone could understand. People don't even realise when they stab me in the back, people want more and more from me though I'm struggling to deal with my own mess.

I just wish people could cope as well as I can, I wish I wasn't the only one who keeps their problems to themselves, I'm sick of being a depressed agony aunt.

12:58am: My fingers are fucked...
Knuckles bleeding for over 12 hours...

I wish people would just leave me the fuck alone for at least a day.

6:38pm: I got fired!

Score

5:02pm: When you tried to build me up with the wrong words,
All it did was kill me..
And when you said you trust in all that I feel,
I never quite believed you..
And when you tried to help me out
By telling me how we should be, I disagreed

So hold me up and you should see,
You're not supposed to be my enemy.
I know your side, I understand.
But you can let me feel it's safe in my hands.

Your every word is full of doubt,
I've never had a way till now to let it out.
If this is how it's gotta be,
it will never be easy.

You can make this very easy,
If you can show me you believe me!
You’re gonna kill me, you can kill me,
You can make this very easy!

So let me breathe, just let me be,
I'd show you more than you could ever hope to see.
Intentions are the same, I find.
But even if they are, I still need room to shine.

So give it time, and give it space.
This isn't just a slap across your face.
If this is how it's gotta be,
I will never speak freely!

You can make this very easy,
If you can show me you believe me!
You’re gonna kill me, you can kill me,
Or you can make this very easy!

Oh, won't you believe in me..?
Won't you believe in me..?
Believe oh ohoh
Believe oh ohohyeah..)
Believe in me..
Believe in me... now!

Do you believe me?
You gotta believe, you gotta believe me!
Do you believe me?!

You can make this very easy,
If you can show me you believe me!
You’re gonna kill me, you can kill me,
You can make this very easy!

You can make this very easy,
If you can show me you believe me!
You’re gonna kill me, you can kill me,
- Or you can make this very easy!

11:34pm: It's been a while...
To summarise: I started going out with a girl called Becky and things are going great, had a job interview at the factory where my Dad works for a packing job, haven't really done a lot except play shitloads of xbox, also after long last the mighty Erogeth has hit level 70!

That's literally everything of note for a good month, I know it's pathetic. It seems odd that if I'm not updating it means things are going well, should probably be the other way around but ah well.

1:28am: A few short observations on life...
Anyone else feel like the people who strain constantly to hold onto moral fibre are often the most evil people you ever meet. I feel like holding onto pre-conceived and wholly un-human qualities takes away from what you can do as a person. I've been feeling like lately, it's not enough to try to do right all the time, what's far more beneficial is to do what you feel like, and if it's wrong, learn to deal with the fact that you will make mistakes. I see a lot of people trying to deny their humanity, and it confuses me, a snake does not pretend it is better than other snakes, a rabbit cannot hate itself, every ant has it's place in the colony, watching the animal kingdom I feel that humans should be the same. Not to say that life should just be a continuing series of necesseties, only that we should live, and live recklessly, do what we feel, and learn not how to be right, but how to be wrong. Nobodys life will ever be perfect, so why do we try so hard to pretend we are something that is probably an actually impossible feat to accomplish. I see so much effort wasted on things of so little importance, I see people looking down on themselves and comparing themselves to others, without just looking at how the people in their life love them regardless of any of it.

I suppose I feel like I'm really getting in touch with the basic order of life, and the systematic yet spontaneous way it should be carried out, I feel i'm growing less jaded and more wise. I'm learning to be honest with everything and just be happy regardless of the outcome. There are still a lot of things I'd like to do, and a lot of places I'd rather be, but one day at a time, even if it's just 15 minutes playing bass, it will all add up, as long as I'm feeling content with what is happening, then that's what matters, and right now, things are looking really good.

3:24am: Long time No update
Not much has been happening, so I'll leave you with this, I don't remember writing it, but it's not bad, was probably wrecked at the time, enjoy!

23

Shirts and ties, Truths and lies,
Your admiration belongs to those you scorn,
The true, the blue, the few, the used,
Those that analyze the light of every dawn.

Surround yourself with the substandard,
Excommunicate the exceptions that prove the rule,
That every colour will fade to grey,

I'm holding the fort between the saints and the sinners,
Between the martyrs and the dealers,
I'll be forging a new ideal from the broken pieces,
A frankenstein philosophy.

The brightest star that's never had a chance to shine,
Is still brighter than the darkest shadow.

3:47am: Fucking sick to death...
...of this shit

11:07am: Friday is probably gonna be awesome!
My Friday of the coming week looks like this: Go to Birmingham early, Hang out with Big D and the fucking Kids Table, Watch Big D and the fucking Kids Table play with Sonic Boom Six and Random Hand possibly one of the most perfect gig lineups ever, and then do it again the week after in Manchester!

Good times, I love how nice they are, If I ever get around to starting a decent band, the first rule will be act like Big D all the time, haha.

4:32am: What's the point denying when we all know we are lying to ourselves...
I'm slowly learning that I may well be alone on this planet.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that what I want may never happen.
I've learnt the only person who questions my character is myself.
I'm trying to stop living with so much doubt.
I'm able to stand up and say I was right for once, with no shame or worry in my mind.
I've realised people won't be happy until I've gone against everything they ever told me.
I'm seeing how the ability to stay true to yourself no matter what life throws at you, is a useless skill.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be anyone people admire or respect.
I've learned that sanity is just a matter of perception, that I could be the one in the right, despite being horrendously outnumbered.
I'm still just wasting my time though, no matter what I do.

2:32am: Viva Pinata is possibly the only thing stopping me from going insane right now.

7:36pm: Dear NPower
I'll assume when you said "we'll let you know tomorrow" that you were lying. I'm also assuming this means I wasn't succesful, which is fair enough, however I would appreciate it if like every other mother fucker on this god forsaken pile of shit we call Earth, you could just fucking tell it to me straight for once, that would be really nice and would be very much appreciated. If somebody actually just came out with it for a change instead of pussyfooting around and trying to avoid any actual telling of the truth, that would be super. In short, fuck you, and fuck everyone else.

Lots of love,
That shifty looking kid with dreadlocks who obviously isn't enough of a fucking mindless suckup to earn your approval.

xoxox

3:57am: 9mm and a three piece suit
I feel like I want to say something, and say a lot, but I really just feel utterly drained, physically, emotionally, just blegh. I haven't slept properly in like a week, I have had about 4 meals in a week, I don't do anything except smoke and feel really miserable. I've been thinking of seeing a doctor but I know exactly what will happen, after an hour or so of judging me, they'll give me fistfuls of prozac and tell me to show up at some clinic every week or so. I want to be myself, I just want to be in a state of my own being where I can function and be satisfied.

I need this job interview to go well on Monday so I can afford to just fuck off as much as possible.

1:25am: Even more writing
Not much to say, so in spite of my lack of update, here's some stuff I've been writing the past few days, enjoy

( ...and it's hard yes I know, when it's time to stand alone )

2:05pm: ...and I don't know much but I do know this, with a golden heart comes a rebel fist
Firstly, Ugh. I went out with this girl a couple of weeks ago, she moved to Stoke a while ago and doesn't really know anyone, so Fox introduced us, we went out, had a good time. 2 weeks later after giving me all the right signals, she's suddenly not looking for anything. It's been getting to me lately, seeing as all my friends are in serious relationships, and I can't even ever secure a second date. Everytime we go out, I look around and see kissing, and hear "I love you" it's bothering me, I know it probably sounds like I'm just being a jealous asshole, but I'd just really like to be happy for once.

Also all this crap has inspired writing, check it out and let me know what you think:

( Working on a title )

4:41am: Operation: Caulfield
Objective: By the time Scott turns 20, he will be rid of Stoke-on-Trent, by any means necessary.

Step 1: Become a competent bass player, bass being the only instrument left to try out of the 3 conventional rock band instruments, and smartest move to make considering guitar fingerwork was good, yet chord standards were low, and bass mainly requires fingerwork.

Step 2: Find decent ska or punk band in X destination, who require a bassist.

Step 3: Arrange a deal of total commitment to the band, in exchange for a place to crash, and offer to pay share of the bills.

Step 4: Bask in the fact that Scott is no longer bound to this melancholy abyss we all lovingly refer to as "Smoke-on-Stench"

This is only a draft, but it seems to be a good plan, I can do it if I can find a band, and I have no need to go back to college or anything, I'd be doing what I've always wanted and be away from here. I also considered joining Greenpeace or the Peace Corps, but you need to have some variety of military training for both.

Wish me luck!

5:14am: I need to get out of here!
Ideas?

Shoot!

5:21pm: My 2 seconds of fame...
Go here: http://www.myspace.com/themightymightybosstones

Go down to the about me section and watch Road to the Throwdown 5.

Then either wait or skip to 2:38.

It's not much, but it's freakin' awesome!

6:25pm: Independent we stand, Independent we fall...
( A Better Place, A Better Time )