The Ravings of a Madman

11:34pm: It's been a while...
To summarise: I started going out with a girl called Becky and things are going great, had a job interview at the factory where my Dad works for a packing job, haven't really done a lot except play shitloads of xbox, also after long last the mighty Erogeth has hit level 70!

That's literally everything of note for a good month, I know it's pathetic. It seems odd that if I'm not updating it means things are going well, should probably be the other way around but ah well.

1:28am: A few short observations on life...
Anyone else feel like the people who strain constantly to hold onto moral fibre are often the most evil people you ever meet. I feel like holding onto pre-conceived and wholly un-human qualities takes away from what you can do as a person. I've been feeling like lately, it's not enough to try to do right all the time, what's far more beneficial is to do what you feel like, and if it's wrong, learn to deal with the fact that you will make mistakes. I see a lot of people trying to deny their humanity, and it confuses me, a snake does not pretend it is better than other snakes, a rabbit cannot hate itself, every ant has it's place in the colony, watching the animal kingdom I feel that humans should be the same. Not to say that life should just be a continuing series of necesseties, only that we should live, and live recklessly, do what we feel, and learn not how to be right, but how to be wrong. Nobodys life will ever be perfect, so why do we try so hard to pretend we are something that is probably an actually impossible feat to accomplish. I see so much effort wasted on things of so little importance, I see people looking down on themselves and comparing themselves to others, without just looking at how the people in their life love them regardless of any of it.

I suppose I feel like I'm really getting in touch with the basic order of life, and the systematic yet spontaneous way it should be carried out, I feel i'm growing less jaded and more wise. I'm learning to be honest with everything and just be happy regardless of the outcome. There are still a lot of things I'd like to do, and a lot of places I'd rather be, but one day at a time, even if it's just 15 minutes playing bass, it will all add up, as long as I'm feeling content with what is happening, then that's what matters, and right now, things are looking really good.

3:24am: Long time No update
Not much has been happening, so I'll leave you with this, I don't remember writing it, but it's not bad, was probably wrecked at the time, enjoy!

23

Shirts and ties, Truths and lies,
Your admiration belongs to those you scorn,
The true, the blue, the few, the used,
Those that analyze the light of every dawn.

Surround yourself with the substandard,
Excommunicate the exceptions that prove the rule,
That every colour will fade to grey,

I'm holding the fort between the saints and the sinners,
Between the martyrs and the dealers,
I'll be forging a new ideal from the broken pieces,
A frankenstein philosophy.

The brightest star that's never had a chance to shine,
Is still brighter than the darkest shadow.

3:47am: Fucking sick to death...
...of this shit

11:07am: Friday is probably gonna be awesome!
My Friday of the coming week looks like this: Go to Birmingham early, Hang out with Big D and the fucking Kids Table, Watch Big D and the fucking Kids Table play with Sonic Boom Six and Random Hand possibly one of the most perfect gig lineups ever, and then do it again the week after in Manchester!

Good times, I love how nice they are, If I ever get around to starting a decent band, the first rule will be act like Big D all the time, haha.

4:32am: What's the point denying when we all know we are lying to ourselves...
I'm slowly learning that I may well be alone on this planet.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that what I want may never happen.
I've learnt the only person who questions my character is myself.
I'm trying to stop living with so much doubt.
I'm able to stand up and say I was right for once, with no shame or worry in my mind.
I've realised people won't be happy until I've gone against everything they ever told me.
I'm seeing how the ability to stay true to yourself no matter what life throws at you, is a useless skill.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be anyone people admire or respect.
I've learned that sanity is just a matter of perception, that I could be the one in the right, despite being horrendously outnumbered.
I'm still just wasting my time though, no matter what I do.

2:32am: Viva Pinata is possibly the only thing stopping me from going insane right now.

7:36pm: Dear NPower
I'll assume when you said "we'll let you know tomorrow" that you were lying. I'm also assuming this means I wasn't succesful, which is fair enough, however I would appreciate it if like every other mother fucker on this god forsaken pile of shit we call Earth, you could just fucking tell it to me straight for once, that would be really nice and would be very much appreciated. If somebody actually just came out with it for a change instead of pussyfooting around and trying to avoid any actual telling of the truth, that would be super. In short, fuck you, and fuck everyone else.

Lots of love,
That shifty looking kid with dreadlocks who obviously isn't enough of a fucking mindless suckup to earn your approval.

xoxox

3:57am: 9mm and a three piece suit
I feel like I want to say something, and say a lot, but I really just feel utterly drained, physically, emotionally, just blegh. I haven't slept properly in like a week, I have had about 4 meals in a week, I don't do anything except smoke and feel really miserable. I've been thinking of seeing a doctor but I know exactly what will happen, after an hour or so of judging me, they'll give me fistfuls of prozac and tell me to show up at some clinic every week or so. I want to be myself, I just want to be in a state of my own being where I can function and be satisfied.

I need this job interview to go well on Monday so I can afford to just fuck off as much as possible.

1:25am: Even more writing
Not much to say, so in spite of my lack of update, here's some stuff I've been writing the past few days, enjoy

( ...and it's hard yes I know, when it's time to stand alone )

2:05pm: ...and I don't know much but I do know this, with a golden heart comes a rebel fist
Firstly, Ugh. I went out with this girl a couple of weeks ago, she moved to Stoke a while ago and doesn't really know anyone, so Fox introduced us, we went out, had a good time. 2 weeks later after giving me all the right signals, she's suddenly not looking for anything. It's been getting to me lately, seeing as all my friends are in serious relationships, and I can't even ever secure a second date. Everytime we go out, I look around and see kissing, and hear "I love you" it's bothering me, I know it probably sounds like I'm just being a jealous asshole, but I'd just really like to be happy for once.

Also all this crap has inspired writing, check it out and let me know what you think:

( Working on a title )

4:41am: Operation: Caulfield
Objective: By the time Scott turns 20, he will be rid of Stoke-on-Trent, by any means necessary.

Step 1: Become a competent bass player, bass being the only instrument left to try out of the 3 conventional rock band instruments, and smartest move to make considering guitar fingerwork was good, yet chord standards were low, and bass mainly requires fingerwork.

Step 2: Find decent ska or punk band in X destination, who require a bassist.

Step 3: Arrange a deal of total commitment to the band, in exchange for a place to crash, and offer to pay share of the bills.

Step 4: Bask in the fact that Scott is no longer bound to this melancholy abyss we all lovingly refer to as "Smoke-on-Stench"

This is only a draft, but it seems to be a good plan, I can do it if I can find a band, and I have no need to go back to college or anything, I'd be doing what I've always wanted and be away from here. I also considered joining Greenpeace or the Peace Corps, but you need to have some variety of military training for both.

Wish me luck!

5:14am: I need to get out of here!
Ideas?

Shoot!

5:21pm: My 2 seconds of fame...
Go here: http://www.myspace.com/themightymightybosstones

Go down to the about me section and watch Road to the Throwdown 5.

Then either wait or skip to 2:38.

It's not much, but it's freakin' awesome!

6:25pm: Independent we stand, Independent we fall...
( A Better Place, A Better Time )

2:43am: Hello Darkness my old friend...
First off, a quick note about this Livejournal, from now on, all posts shall be public unless I deem it necessary to resort to my old ways of angry rantings, in which case it shall be friends only, feel free to add me as a friend if anyone who reads this isn't already, I'll just warn you like the past 2 years in this journal it's just going to be a lot of angry whiny crap. This is just me making an attempt to be a little more positive and a little more inviting I suppose.

Where the fuck do I start? It seems to be a pattern lately, of as soon as everything seems to be settling down for me, and things start looking up, I get hit square in the face with some form of frustrating, upsetting, worrying (etc) scenario. I was at my Dad's on Wednesday night, we were sitting around watching TV, the usual, then the phone rings, the mood drops immediately, I can tell something's gone wrong, I overhear him asking about directions to the hospital and I start to panic. I rush upstairs while he's on the phone and start getting myself ready to make a move, I just didn't feel that we were going to be waiting around long, call it a sixth sense, I just knew without knowing. Turns out my Great Auntie Joyce, possibly the loveliest woman you will ever meet, and the proverbial glue, holding my Dads side of the family together has had a heart attack. We went to visit her as soon as we could, and thankfully she's doing alright. We don't see her as often as we should, so I don't know whether it was a little weird me being there but I just needed to make the effort, I just can't let another Chris situation happen, I know that turned out all right, and it looks like this will too, but It's too risky to not be there.

It's just another situation that's so out of my hands it terrifies me. Everything seems to be heading that way, I can't get a job because every employer I try deems me not good enough, I can't help but wake up everyday fearing everything I can't control. I can't get a job, I can't help the people who need me, everytime it happens I feel about 6 years old again, unable to make a change, unable to make an input, just utterly useless. I keep trying so hard everyday to keep the train rolling, but everyday there's still that voice inside that just keeps asking me if it's ever worth it, if I'm ever doing enough, if I ever could do enough.

I know you'll probably think it's petty but it kinda means a lot to me, and I've been wondering a lot lately if I should just cut my hair, I know it's not helping me get a job, but to me it would be like selling out, and on the other hand, what is keeping it going to score me, a little pride, that's about it, nobody else really cares about anything other than when they're getting paid. It's not like anybody's going to respect me, or look at me and think "that kids got guts" but It would be like cutting a part of me off, as melodramatic as that sounds. I love it so much, and I enjoy having something that makes me stand out, makes me seem abnormal, out of place, because mentally, that's how I've always felt, and I've learnt to wear it with pride, and not give a fuck what people think, but at the same time I hate it, because everybody will always make assumptions, look at you like some kind of crazy person. I suppose it's just the symbolic battle between "growing up" and staying a kid forever, I leave it, I stay a kid, I keep doing what I want to do, and hopefully make it somewhere doing something I want to do, or I grow up, get a haircut, get a comfortable office job and hate myself. I know I should keep trying, keep fighting for what I believe, I just don't know if it's ever really going to count for anything.

2:57am: They Came To Boston
Here in all it's full bodied glory, complete with every little bitty detail about every single thought in my head at every exact moment from my wonderful journey to the fantastic city of Boston, Massachusetts. Be forewarned it's a long'un.

( Let's start at the beginning )

( A Newfound Interest in Massachusetts )

( The greatest day of my life )

( So sad to say, what we had is gone away... )


( Final Word )

xoxox

6:15pm: OMFG!
THE BOSSTONES ARE BACK TOGETHER!!!!

=D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D

5:01pm: New Journal
Yeah, add me and stuff!

I made this so i can rant about stuff, myspace doesnt cater for mass ranting!